okay so its 5:00 in the morning, day one of my water fast. god I know this is going to be really, REALLY, hard. but i think by admitting that, somehow that in itself makes it a little bit easier. I just have to take it one day at a time. Dont worry and get overwhelmed about tomorrow or the next day, or next saturday. Just concentrate on TODAY. and getting through TODAY on just water, Because once I can accomplish that, tomorrow will take care of itself.
"I am living off the parts of me
that I don't need anymore"
I love that quote from Holy by The Golden Palominos.
Today I will go to school. Then work. I will come home, feed the horses, read , maybe watch some TV, then go to bed.
Today is going to be VERY hard. I just need to breathe and pray. Keep thinking THINSPIRATIONAL! and whatever I do I CANNOT let myself get depressed about ANYTHING! I have to stay POSITIVE! I eat when I'm depressed. I binge when I'm depressed! and its harder to NOT EAT when I'm depressed. Dont think to much about Blaze, and DO NOT step on the scale from now until Tuesday! That was what triggered the final straw in the feeling of helplessness last night.
you CAN do this! I mean for real, you're Maggie-effing-Kloecker. now lets show yourself what you can do!

starting tomorrow all I will consume is H2O until the 23rd. no coffee, kool-aid, shakes, or pop, OR FOOD until the 21st. I will continue with the stackers and I WILL get back to 125. THINK BONES. THINK CLOTHES. THINK BLAZE. i will have water with me AT ALL TIMES and I WILL NOT DEVIATE. I will check in EVERY DAY and I will visit the PRETTYTHIN website whenever I feel tempted or write in my journal, or listen to the XM comedy station. I WILL FINISH THIS. show them all. I WANNA SEE BONES. every time I think about deviating I will think about that night with blaze and I will get that back. check in with you tomorrow.


maggie

You held my shoulders

and you rubbed my back
But I think that was the alcohol kicking in
We breathed goodnight
and you kissed my forehead
but i think that was the grass taking effect
I'm still not perfect
and in the morning we'll be something less
becuase I couldnt control myself
I had you but I lost you
I let you go
I let me go
and now I'm dying
to get back to bones

I ate tonight. for comfort that it didnt deliver and now I feel isgusting and repulsive. being 125 is the ONLY way I will get Blaze back. that night was amazing and FUCK! now calvin's not having a party on thursday! this sucks I want my blazey. I want him REALLY bad! and god damnit I WILL HAVE HIM! this is my new purpose. I have a need for speed and I will spill these pills down my throat until I'm 125! this is my new perogative! we have a 4 day weekend and I will be god-fucking-damned if one fucking morsel passes my lips! i AM anorexic! I want to see BONES god-damnit! I want to feel that low rumbling growl eating my stomach alive! I want to fit BACK into my size 2 and 3 skeleton jeanz! foo is fucking me over!! I WILL have Blaze!

*Strict is my diet. I must not want.
It maketh me to lie down at night hungry.
It leadeth me past the confectioners.
It trieth my willpower.
It leadeth me in the paths of alteration for my figure's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the aisles of the pastry department,
I will buy no sweet rolls for they are fattening.
The cakes and the pies, they tempt me.
Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.
I filleth my stomach with liquids
My day's quota runneth over.
Surely calorie and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever.